Diary of a Freelancer – to find our long forgotten gold. Entry 5.

Hey guys!

So I’ve been thinking, it’s nice and fun writing my thoughts every week…but it seems like such a long time since everything happened, that I tend to forget what to write about!

Well a few things I remember about last week:

  1. I was sick. And yes, I mean, really sick. I had a fever, I wasn’t eating properly and just all in all, I was very bleh.
  2. I finished my second costume! I’m really happy with the way it looks…well I mean, okay SO here’s the truth. I finished the first, and I felt like I had gone to town with that one, and it was exactly how I wanted it to look. The second one, I am also happy with, but I felt that it was missing something. I mean in terms of the design sketch, it’s everything I wanted, so I don’t understand what’s missing. I think, because it’s part of a collection, I need to see them on the models, together to feel like “HAZAR! I have achieved what I wanted!”
  3. I re-watched The Hobbit, An Unexpected Journey and The Desolation of Smaug. Alas, I haven’t watched the last one yet, because it still gives me feels. It’s like re-watching Harry Potter again, even though you know the collection has ended, re-watching the last film brings back the emotions of when it ended the first time round. Coupled with not feeling well, I wasn’t emotionally prepared for watching The Battle of the Five Armies.

Going back to that last point, The Hobbit is a big thing for me. and Lord of the Rings, but The Hobbit was a personal one for me. I remember it was the first book I had read with my first summer job. (I basically worked in my Dad’s Family office answering calls) and when not doing that, I sat and watched the screen. So I read The Hobbit, before the films came out. In my family, Harry Potter is a big deal for my sister, and Lord of the Rings was the equivalent for me. The Hobbit is just that little extra special, because the film came out, and there were many promotional events happening at the time, which allowed me to tick a few things off my bucket list: Meet the cast.

I went to The Hobbit Fan Event in London, which is where I won a costume competition judged by Andy Serkis, Lee Pace and Luke Evans, then the entirety of the audience. I was flown over to Berlin, where I stayed at the Ritz Carlton, and attended The Desolation of Smaug premiere.

I was working on my costume last week, and I put the film on. I remembered how I had started university and how my life was “beginning”, how young, fresh and enthusiastic I was, to create my own work that would hopefully be to the standard of The Hobbit and LOTR. I have to admit, I lost that spark once Third year of university came around. I don’t know why, maybe because I felt I had to have a reason for every decision I made, and “To entertain people” or “To make people happy” or “because I want to” never seemed a good enough reason. I guess I felt I had to grow up, and become real. I couldn’t be a dreamer anymore, because how was dreaming going to allow me to survive the real world?

Ever since I graduated, I’ve felt lost. I’ve been a bit on a downer because I’ve been alone. I want to meet new, creative people to collaborate with. I’ve also been thinking about ideas I had in university that I never pursued. I keep thinking, “Why didn’t I just pursue it? What stopped me?”, and normally I would answer those questions to bring peace to mind, but I don’t want to do that anymore.

Re-watching The Hobbit re-ignited that spark within me. I am still scared that the decisions I make, don’t necessarily have a “purpose” in the real world, but I want to make people happy. I want to entertain people, and that will only come into action once I start believing in myself, like I used to.

Clearly, those ideas come to mind because something is telling me to stop question why I didn’t pursue them, and to just go ahead and pursue them. Instead of wondering what’ll happen if I pursue them… take action and see what happens. They’re not coming back to your mind for no reason.

And so, I shall begin my 2017 Autumn term as I always do. A fresh start. I’m going to make some big changes in my life, and for the better. And my reason for the changes? “Because I want to.” That’s no longer a stupid reason to me. I’m going to make myself happy, because I’m more myself and focused when I’m happy… that then shows in my work.

What are your thoughts? Leave a comment below! I’d love to know if you’re making any big changes!

Lots of love,



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